Science vs. Nature

I'd like to deviate from my List of 34 and describe something I've stumbled upon in my continuous quest for the answer to the 'WHY' question.
(Not Why do women go through menopause, or Why do I have to go through it so damn early, but rather Why has Mother Nature made it so hard on me. Isn't she the 'Mother', after all? What kind of a sick masochistic trick is that!)

Iranian scientists, between making a nuclear bomb and stoning adulteresses, have discovered that a simple blood test that measures the anti-Mullerian Hormone in women can predict when she is to expect her menopause, so she can plan her procreation accordingly. They've tested 266 women. The Brits jumped on the wagon. They've started their own study of an even larger number of women - 2500 (British women are not as bashful) and so far the findings coincide.

I dug even further and more questions arose from my research than answers. One particular question is: WHO IN THEIR EARLY 20-s and 30-s CARES ABOUT MENOPAUSE??? I would like to meet them - her. Aren't we more into dating and fashion and careers at that age? We just learn to balance our check books (some of us continue this process into our late 40-s)!

Nevertheless, someone has funded such a study (in several countries, too) and designed and carried it out. So now that we know how much time we have left, I propose the following:

a. With the early menopause on a rise, we should support teen pregnancies! You never know when Mother Nature will strike you with the Big M;

b. Off with the Uterus! Your GYN should be trained to remove your uterus immediately following the delivery of your last agreed-upon-with-your-hubby offspring. Hysterectomy significantly reduces the negative effects of menopause;

c. Sex change operation must be covered by health insurance. Escape into manhood!

One more thing: someone commented on my blog (THANK YOU!) that it's all about life expectancy - we live longer than originally designed. In Neolithic Era, life expectancy was 20 years - the shortest of them all. On average, throughout all Eras, life expectancy was 35 years. Current world average is 67.2 years (2010 data), and that is in spite the Bushes!

Mother Nature just didn't think that far ahead. So, I guess there is one more question: What are we to expect from our bodies once we learn how to live to 120 years?

To Bleed or Not to Bleed - That Is The Question...

One day my ovaries (well, technically only one of them) decided to revolt against my aging, prove it wrong, defy it with all its mighty might. At first, it wasn't even funny how mighty it proved to be. That tiny shrinking hormonal gland was going through its own mood swings, sending me to the bathroom more often than my small bladder. I'd wake up several times a night to check for any leakage.
For 2 bloody (and I mean it literally) years I had to forgo wearing white, had gone to Costco and invested serious cash into feminine disposables.
Then it stopped - the shrinkage became irreversible and I was considering to set the fire on all of my remaining 'Mommy diapers' and my tampons... I imagined a fun fire in the garden, a glass of wine and warm memories of PMS and cramps and bloating and breast tenderness, as I'd pour the tampons out of their box and say my final goodbyes. I'd even shed a tear...
Well, what do you know, three months into it and the ovary woke up. Off I go to the drug store to replenish my supply. As I prepare for the usual and so very familiar routine, it stops. It comes back in a week for a day. Then 4 months later for 5 days.
I've realized that my ovary isn't playing the die hard/hide-and-seek with nature. It's playing evil mind games with me. It comes unexpectedly: when I am out running very far from home, or when I am in the middle of an important conversation. It hits you with the ever diminishing might (finally!) leaving you somewhere between a pad and a pantyliner. FOR DAYS! Try exercising with this! Tampons won't do anymore, due to the Symptom #7 - Vaginal Dryness.

As always, I find a silver lining in this situation as well - this is the only time when I am hot-flash free! But more often than not, when I wake up in the middle of the night chafing, I reeeeally long for that bonfire...

33 and Me

Well, it is supposed to be 34, but since I am still waiting for the last one to arrive, I'll concentrate on the 33 symptoms - it's a long list, really.
I've told you all about my hot flashes (1), night sweats (2), pain (3), sleeplessness (4).
We are on to Symptom #5 - Mood Swings.
The only difference between my mood swings and the bipolar disorder is that my version of abnormally elevated energy levels is yelling at the top of my lungs at an asshole in the car in front of me for cutting in. Then my energy immediately drops to the minus levels and I start hating myself for yelling at the guy. Luckily, the windows were closed, so he couldn't have heard me, so I am happy again. My energy comes back, AND...
there is that asshole again. Clinically it's referred to as 'rapid cycling'.
I also experience waves of depression. Well, no, Tsunami of depression, when a hole in my running socks suddenly reminds me of trapped Chilean miners, or Darfur or something equally atrocious and my intestines tie into a boa tie. And all I can do is lie down and cry, thinking of how pathetic I am, which, in turn, makes me even more depressed.
The good news is that many of the art geniuses out there are believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder (Van Gogh, anybody?). So my plan is that while my own version of the disorder is lasting, I should quickly try to create something artsy that would become an instant masterpiece. If only I didn't spend all my elevated energy on that asshole...

Pain in the Neck

Literally! It took 2 weeks and an inconceivable amount of drugs of varied strength to find peace. My new resolution: collect the containers of all pain relief pills that I will have consumed by mid-October 2011. I already have 1 empty container. This is some scary math and chemistry combined. Not only am I volunteering my liver to be tested by chemicals, whose names I cannot even pronounce, I am actually paying for it! Along with millions other women, I am literally fighting my body's present pain with my body's future pain. By the time my future pain comes, I am sure there will be a pill for that, too.
So why has my consumption of pain relievers increased drastically in the past couple of years? Yeah, that same reason, I don't have to invest in tampons. Interesting trade-off...
Even after starting to talk about menopause, we still keep quiet about PAIN as one of its side-effects. Joint pain, leg pain, headaches, breasts, cramps (just as with PMS but without the bleeding), muscle pain - these are not the pains of an old age - I am 45, not 65! These are the pains that are a big part of my hormonal awry-ness. Just as I was unaware of how painful it would be to nurse and have milk rushes, I was completely unprepared for these pains. (There might be a conspiracy of sorts behind the nursing issue).
So, of course, after visiting my local Walgreen's, armed with a bunch of pills, I go on the Internet in search of the light at the end of the tunnel. (And I mean it literally, as it gets eerily dark when my cramps strike.) Most sites try to sell you something. Of course, an horde of gullible, hormonally handicapped women open their wallets, desperate for any kind of relief. (I'll know exactly how much Walgreen's will have made from me by this time next year! I support the pharmaceutical industry, the not-FDA-cleared herbal industry and the local economy with my dollar. I am probably paying someone's salary! I feel like a CEO of my little pain world!)
The about 50 sites that claim to ease my pain that I reviewed (it's fascinating how much they rip off of each other), pretty much agree on a few simple principles:
Easy on caffeine;
Nothing exciting (like exercise or sex) before bed;
Keep the room temperature low (around 65F);
Easy on alcohol;
AND FINALLY:
10 herbal remedies OR Tylenol Night, depending on the site!

All in all, there are 34 symptoms of peri-menopause. I am proud to say that I have 33 of them. I am sure that the 34th - bleeding gum - will arrive shortly. I have a feeling that with this one, my last earthly pleasures of coffee and wine will be marred. I am not very happy about it, but apparently being perpetually unhappy is one of the 34 symptoms, so I am not worried.

On the bright site - the last pain reliever prescribed to me by this young neurologist was a strong muscle relaxant. Yeah Baby!

Rock-A-Bye Baby

I was always a great sleeper. An image of a pillow would make my upper eyelid tremble. No sun in the morning would wake me, if I needed my sleep. I may have managed to sleep through an occasional mid-night sex. I have my priorities! Sleep was important to me. I needed it to function properly during my waking hours. Some people need 6-7 hours, some need 8-9. I need 9-12.

It all started when I was 6 months pregnant - I could no longer sleep through the night without waking up several times. There was a short break during my child's 4th and 5th years, but I never fully recovered the hours lost. I thought: the night would come when I'd sleep uninterrupted and not wake up in the morning at an ungodly hour to feed or wash or whatever other reasons there are that I didn't used to have when I was unappreciatively young. As such a possibility became almost visible - boom! I've entered my Peri-menopause. Here is how your hormones screw you out of your well-deserved sleep:
No One Knows!!!

There are plenty of theories about how your hormones affect your brain, trick it into sleeping and then an abrupt waking, changing your body temperature, changing levels of cortisol, melatonin and GH (growth hormone). After reviewing several scientific articles and a multitude of useless web pages, I have found only one thing that most scientists agree upon - the ever changing balance between estrogen, progesterone and testosterone is largely to blame for the changing sleep pattern.

So now that my ovaries are on a permanent strike as of January 2009, I am out of balance! Guess what it did to my sleep pattern. I practically never reach that Slow Brain Wave stage. I dearly miss it...

A study at the University of Chicago in 1999 describes 11 young (!!!) adults who went through 3 days of an 8-hour sleep, 6 days of a 4-hour sleep and 7 days of a 12-hour sleep. During the sleep deprivation period the subjects' glucose tolerance decreased by 30%, consistent with a stage-2 diabetes. They also observed increased levels of cortisol in the evening hours, which are typical of much older people and are thought to be related to age-related health problems such as insulin resistance and memory impairment.

My memory has left the building during my pregnancy without the forwarding address. I waited for it at the door for many years... I am sincerely glad I can recognize my child when I meet her after school.

Rock-a-bye my brain, in the tree top
When the hormones blow, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come my brain, cradle and all...

Some REAL Fun Statistics

I have gone through Amazon to see how many books are written about Peri-menopause - 372! I've not had a chance to look through them all, but I did discover something really cool: Once I am all done with the PERI part, my life will be a total bliss. Just read some of the book covers for what's to come:

'The Perfect Menopause: 7 Steps to the best time of your life';
'The Secret Pleasures of Menopause'...
And then:
'Preventing Menopause: How to stop Menopause before it starts' - where was this book BEFORE it all started??? I could have prevented it! I could have defied my old age, my dry-leafness, my hotness! I could have postponed my sleepless nights and my famous mood swings! My hair would still be luscious and shiny, and my wrinkles just laugh-lines!
Oh, one more: 'The Idiot's Guide to Menopause'. Now, I am already depressed. Do I really need this one?

According to the US Census (Census 2000), in the US, 6000 women reach menopause daily. According to SWAN (Study of Women Across the Nation), among women between 40 and 45, only 5% experienced menopause - I've always known that I am one of The Chosen!

With women now living longer lives (up to 85 years of age) as compared with 50 years ago, we now have an increasing bunch of Secretly Pleased women, going through the best time of their lives. And here I thought it was because they pay less property taxes than me.

One day, when I have enough time, I will go through these books and figure out why the path to the blissful part of my life is so annoying and distressful. And, if menopause is such a normal part of aging (that is a nice word for 'getting damn old'), why are there TREATMENTS for it?

And, if you think that at least you've reached your independence from that little daily chemical - The Pill, guess again: 51% of pregnancies in peri-menopausal women are unplanned. I would really like to interview the 49%, though: do they really have the energy for a baby? What drugs are they on?

Oh, one more number: my peri-menopause may last up to 8 (!!!) years, so my early peri-menopause may turn into a perfectly late menopause! And I will proudly join the ranks of the average.

Baby, I am HOT!

Yes, I AM! When I put on a little sexy black dress, beautiful shoes, some make up, some perfume, a sexy smile - oooh, I am hot! But when on top of that I get my Hot Flash - you just hold on, baby, I am smokin'! It's good to get them when you are most proud - it teaches humility. That's what I tell myself, hoping that no one around notices.
I like getting them when I run, because then it doesn't matter, as I am already half-naked, red and dripping sweat, hoping that my urethra can hold its own against the bladder for another mile.
The Hot Flashes during the night have a character of their own. Hard to explain how offensive it can be to fall back asleep in the detestably wet sheets after one of those. But I am so desperate for sleep, I don't care. And then, in the middle of the night, my little baby crawls in my bed and I pray that she's too sleepy to notice the sheets, even though she notices that I am wearing a nighty different from the one I went to bed in (that one and the two more after it are long in the laundry). Sleep is overrated anyway. Thank Latin America and Africa for my coffee. Oh, shoot, I am not supposed to drink coffee, as it (allegedly) induces hot flashes! What else can I do to keep my eyes open????

But as I read on about the hot flashes and what other women experience, I start to clearly see the reality:
a. Mine are not the worst. Apparently, there are women who pass out during hot flashes.
b. You can try forever all sorts of homeopathic and pharmaceutical remedies and hope that one of them would help more than would hurt you, and most-likely by the time you find it, your hot flashes will be gone naturally.
c. I can actually get used to them! I almost missed them when I didn't have them for 3 weeks last summer, which usually happens when they are replaced by an occasional menstruation (but that's for another blog...)

Women's Health Initiative has been conducting several large studies under the watchful eyes of the FDA and NIH - fun bed-time read: http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/whi/e-a_faq.htm.
Ladies, do not despair! There've been no deaths reported. Unless you are hit by a Hot Flash and pass out while running on a busy street!

Meno-Essentials

There are over 16 million sites dedicated the M issue on Yahoo alone. I didn't get through them all but there were some funky statistics I came across:
1. September is a Menopause Awareness Month! Had I not gone through some obscure websites, I surely would have heard about it on the radio, or the Channel 4 Morning News, right?
2. Things that could trigger early menopause:
a. Smoking (anything we haven't blamed on it?)
b. Vegetarian (don't they suffer enough already?)
c. Very thin athletes - That Would Be ME! (And here I thought I was making
myself stronger and healthier!)
d. Fashion-model thin (who did the study - a fat woman???)
e. Anorexic or bulimic (I didn't know they HAD menstruation in the first
place)
f. Never had children (Nuns?)
g. African-American origin (higher breast cancer risk, higher heart attack
risk, and now this too?)
h. Mediterranean or So. European origin (at least their skin is safe from
cancer! BTW, my mother had hers in her late 50's)
i. Poor (Wow! Damn those rich!)
j. Overweight (we live in a vain society - EVERYBODY is overweight!)
Etc., etc., etc., etc.

The way I see it, you fall into at least on of these categories, which you'll blame for the onset of your new M condition. And no matter what you call it: "The new beginning", "The Change", "The Third Age" (this one is my favorite) - it sucks! It really does! Personally, I refer to myself as a dried-up leaf.
Please, share some good names with me. :-)

I am not kidding!

This is precisely how I look now - inside, that is.
January, 2009. I moved into a new place after a very stressful year in my personal life. The new place had a weird heating system, so for weeks I was waking up in the middle of the night sweaty and uncomfortable. Several times I'd have to change, jump back in bed and hope to quickly doze of and catch up on my sleep. Until one day in March (was I in denial!) I got sweaty in the middle of the day. And the revelation came to me - HOT FLASH!!!
I was 43 (and a half, but who's counting). I am a runner. I am in great shape. It CANNOT happen to ME!
I went to the doctor - the 2 days it took to analyze my blood I prayed that it was brain tumor, not peri-menopause. I was exasperated, angry, and crushed. It felt like the end of me as I'd known me - a WHOLE WOMAN...
So I was discussing my new condition with anyone who'd listen, hoping that the more I talked about it, the better my chances were to get rid of it. I went on the net, hoping to find how to reverse me back into the WOMAN. I cried, I screamed. And then I laughed. Still laughing at how pathetic it is to refuse myself, to be sad about the inevitable because of the lack of information AND because of the way the society treats Menopause - the old woman's issue.

I dedicate this blog to the "old" women! :-)) I intend to capture as much available information as possible and bring it to whoever is willing to read it and get educated.
So read on...