Teeter-totter, pull-push

Have I mentioned that I hate getting old? There are several reasons:

a. Vanity - as I painfully observe myself in the mirror, I begin to reconsider my no-plastic-surgery-age-gracefully policy;
b. Pain - I am a Perpetuum Mobile of aches, numbness, needle pricks, burning, stinging, stiffness and I am sure I am forgetting something else.
c. Menopause - the hourly reminder of my overstaying my welcome in the womanhood is annoying! It's either a brain-freeze, or a hot flash or a mood swing (ooh, I've re-defined those!)

Up until 2 years ago I planned to age gracefully. I was looking at the pictures of Audrey Hepburn imagining myself entering the world of wisdom where negative emotions cease to exist due to their futility. I would come to accept the superficial changes because they would be replaced with my inner peace.

I have no idea where that bullshit idea came from but I was looking forward to it. At a MUCH later day, than my 43rd year, by the way. Say, 55ish. Just for an onset. Plenty of warning, of course, like my mind, for instance, would suddenly be full of information I'd been feeding it through all my earlier (pre-55ish) years AND I'd be able to use this information productively, to create harmony around me. OK, I didn't work out all the details, but I thought I had time!

So here I am, aging with each ache, finding new and improved reasons to despise my current hormonal state. With each new symptom I rush to the computer anxiously searching for an answer. The answer calmly smiles at me from each site I visit - Menopause.

Here are some titter-totters I've come across recently:

The latest study on my kind of people has concluded that hot flashes striking early in menopause lower risks of a heard attack. Unless you cannot take it anymore and jump from the window.

When you get tired of the night sweats, your body may take a break and break into cold chills.

In spite of lack of energy, you are supposed to exercise harder during this tender period of growth into the wisdomhood. So if you're woken up by your night sweat or a cold chill, take full advantage of your sleeplessness, get bravely out of bed and practice the Warrior Three position.

Thyroid-Shmyroid, but I am gaining weight. I wish I could say that there is more of me to love. But since I am not liking myself much these days, there is more of me to dislike.

Anxiety attacks can be relieved by sex. One site was particularly insistent and suggested frequent masturbation. My last anxiety attack was on the top of a mountain during a long hike with a bunch of friends, including some kids. Not sure how trying to hump someone (or myself) right there would have enhanced everyone else's experience.

While the hair on my head is definitely thinning and doesn't grow much, there is also less of it on my body. So I can avoid one more pain - waxing.

Babe in the Woods

I received a phone call from my GYN a few days back: 'You are going through menopause', he said cheerfully after reviewing the results of my blood test. The cheerful part was obviously to make me feel good about it. "NO! REALLY? Here I thought it was a bad case of flu. With all those immigrants climbing over the walls who knows what sorts of bugs we have these days," I said. Then he said something about me having a syndrome with a Japanese name, to which I asked if I should stop eating Japanese food. I don't think he got my jokes but he bravely suggested I re-checked my thyroid gland, as it seems to act out.

So I did. And it does. And my gyn prescribed me yet another chemical to adjust a gland that secretes hormones that normalize something or other that would make it all better. I dutifully went to my local pharmacy and picked up my prescription. I set it up on the shelf where I keep my current medications and two thoughts occurred to me:
a. I won't have space for real food in my stomach;
b. What's the connection between the hormone producing gland and my current non-flu condition?

Here are some of the more significant problems associated with hypothyroidism:
fatigue, cold intolerance, memory loss, poor concentration, depression, menstrual irregularities. Sounds familiar, I thought, I wish my memory would work better. Wait a minute! Aren't these the same symptoms as the ones on my menopause list? I got so excited, I got an extra hot flash!

So I went on researching the subject. My brain is fried, my body is breaking down (still looks good, but apparently not for long (gaining serious weight in the near future)), but my intuition is still intact. There certainly is a connection and while it's hardly established scientifically (aging women are HOT; someone should start that clinical study!), I continue to wonder.

A living organism is a complex and a well-designed machine, where everything has created intricate connections. The question is: do I interfere? Or do I let my body figure out how to get back on track after taking a little break from this balance thingy? Do I put chemicals or herbs into it or do I trust that nature will find its way to make it work? (On a second thought, why would I trust nature if it came up with menopause!)

I am a pacifist by nature. All that war going on in my body is not agreeing with me from a political perspective as well as physical. I find myself so far out of my comfort zone. For the first time in my life I am officially a Babe in the Woods.



After the original posting, I continued to search the internet for clues on the subject of Thyroid and Menopause and came across this article: http://www.thyroid-info.com/articles/shamesmenopause.htm that you may find useful...

Science vs. Nature

I'd like to deviate from my List of 34 and describe something I've stumbled upon in my continuous quest for the answer to the 'WHY' question.
(Not Why do women go through menopause, or Why do I have to go through it so damn early, but rather Why has Mother Nature made it so hard on me. Isn't she the 'Mother', after all? What kind of a sick masochistic trick is that!)

Iranian scientists, between making a nuclear bomb and stoning adulteresses, have discovered that a simple blood test that measures the anti-Mullerian Hormone in women can predict when she is to expect her menopause, so she can plan her procreation accordingly. They've tested 266 women. The Brits jumped on the wagon. They've started their own study of an even larger number of women - 2500 (British women are not as bashful) and so far the findings coincide.

I dug even further and more questions arose from my research than answers. One particular question is: WHO IN THEIR EARLY 20-s and 30-s CARES ABOUT MENOPAUSE??? I would like to meet them - her. Aren't we more into dating and fashion and careers at that age? We just learn to balance our check books (some of us continue this process into our late 40-s)!

Nevertheless, someone has funded such a study (in several countries, too) and designed and carried it out. So now that we know how much time we have left, I propose the following:

a. With the early menopause on a rise, we should support teen pregnancies! You never know when Mother Nature will strike you with the Big M;

b. Off with the Uterus! Your GYN should be trained to remove your uterus immediately following the delivery of your last agreed-upon-with-your-hubby offspring. Hysterectomy significantly reduces the negative effects of menopause;

c. Sex change operation must be covered by health insurance. Escape into manhood!

One more thing: someone commented on my blog (THANK YOU!) that it's all about life expectancy - we live longer than originally designed. In Neolithic Era, life expectancy was 20 years - the shortest of them all. On average, throughout all Eras, life expectancy was 35 years. Current world average is 67.2 years (2010 data), and that is in spite the Bushes!

Mother Nature just didn't think that far ahead. So, I guess there is one more question: What are we to expect from our bodies once we learn how to live to 120 years?

To Bleed or Not to Bleed - That Is The Question...

One day my ovaries (well, technically only one of them) decided to revolt against my aging, prove it wrong, defy it with all its mighty might. At first, it wasn't even funny how mighty it proved to be. That tiny shrinking hormonal gland was going through its own mood swings, sending me to the bathroom more often than my small bladder. I'd wake up several times a night to check for any leakage.
For 2 bloody (and I mean it literally) years I had to forgo wearing white, had gone to Costco and invested serious cash into feminine disposables.
Then it stopped - the shrinkage became irreversible and I was considering to set the fire on all of my remaining 'Mommy diapers' and my tampons... I imagined a fun fire in the garden, a glass of wine and warm memories of PMS and cramps and bloating and breast tenderness, as I'd pour the tampons out of their box and say my final goodbyes. I'd even shed a tear...
Well, what do you know, three months into it and the ovary woke up. Off I go to the drug store to replenish my supply. As I prepare for the usual and so very familiar routine, it stops. It comes back in a week for a day. Then 4 months later for 5 days.
I've realized that my ovary isn't playing the die hard/hide-and-seek with nature. It's playing evil mind games with me. It comes unexpectedly: when I am out running very far from home, or when I am in the middle of an important conversation. It hits you with the ever diminishing might (finally!) leaving you somewhere between a pad and a pantyliner. FOR DAYS! Try exercising with this! Tampons won't do anymore, due to the Symptom #7 - Vaginal Dryness.

As always, I find a silver lining in this situation as well - this is the only time when I am hot-flash free! But more often than not, when I wake up in the middle of the night chafing, I reeeeally long for that bonfire...

33 and Me

Well, it is supposed to be 34, but since I am still waiting for the last one to arrive, I'll concentrate on the 33 symptoms - it's a long list, really.
I've told you all about my hot flashes (1), night sweats (2), pain (3), sleeplessness (4).
We are on to Symptom #5 - Mood Swings.
The only difference between my mood swings and the bipolar disorder is that my version of abnormally elevated energy levels is yelling at the top of my lungs at an asshole in the car in front of me for cutting in. Then my energy immediately drops to the minus levels and I start hating myself for yelling at the guy. Luckily, the windows were closed, so he couldn't have heard me, so I am happy again. My energy comes back, AND...
there is that asshole again. Clinically it's referred to as 'rapid cycling'.
I also experience waves of depression. Well, no, Tsunami of depression, when a hole in my running socks suddenly reminds me of trapped Chilean miners, or Darfur or something equally atrocious and my intestines tie into a boa tie. And all I can do is lie down and cry, thinking of how pathetic I am, which, in turn, makes me even more depressed.
The good news is that many of the art geniuses out there are believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder (Van Gogh, anybody?). So my plan is that while my own version of the disorder is lasting, I should quickly try to create something artsy that would become an instant masterpiece. If only I didn't spend all my elevated energy on that asshole...

Pain in the Neck

Literally! It took 2 weeks and an inconceivable amount of drugs of varied strength to find peace. My new resolution: collect the containers of all pain relief pills that I will have consumed by mid-October 2011. I already have 1 empty container. This is some scary math and chemistry combined. Not only am I volunteering my liver to be tested by chemicals, whose names I cannot even pronounce, I am actually paying for it! Along with millions other women, I am literally fighting my body's present pain with my body's future pain. By the time my future pain comes, I am sure there will be a pill for that, too.
So why has my consumption of pain relievers increased drastically in the past couple of years? Yeah, that same reason, I don't have to invest in tampons. Interesting trade-off...
Even after starting to talk about menopause, we still keep quiet about PAIN as one of its side-effects. Joint pain, leg pain, headaches, breasts, cramps (just as with PMS but without the bleeding), muscle pain - these are not the pains of an old age - I am 45, not 65! These are the pains that are a big part of my hormonal awry-ness. Just as I was unaware of how painful it would be to nurse and have milk rushes, I was completely unprepared for these pains. (There might be a conspiracy of sorts behind the nursing issue).
So, of course, after visiting my local Walgreen's, armed with a bunch of pills, I go on the Internet in search of the light at the end of the tunnel. (And I mean it literally, as it gets eerily dark when my cramps strike.) Most sites try to sell you something. Of course, an horde of gullible, hormonally handicapped women open their wallets, desperate for any kind of relief. (I'll know exactly how much Walgreen's will have made from me by this time next year! I support the pharmaceutical industry, the not-FDA-cleared herbal industry and the local economy with my dollar. I am probably paying someone's salary! I feel like a CEO of my little pain world!)
The about 50 sites that claim to ease my pain that I reviewed (it's fascinating how much they rip off of each other), pretty much agree on a few simple principles:
Easy on caffeine;
Nothing exciting (like exercise or sex) before bed;
Keep the room temperature low (around 65F);
Easy on alcohol;
AND FINALLY:
10 herbal remedies OR Tylenol Night, depending on the site!

All in all, there are 34 symptoms of peri-menopause. I am proud to say that I have 33 of them. I am sure that the 34th - bleeding gum - will arrive shortly. I have a feeling that with this one, my last earthly pleasures of coffee and wine will be marred. I am not very happy about it, but apparently being perpetually unhappy is one of the 34 symptoms, so I am not worried.

On the bright site - the last pain reliever prescribed to me by this young neurologist was a strong muscle relaxant. Yeah Baby!

Rock-A-Bye Baby

I was always a great sleeper. An image of a pillow would make my upper eyelid tremble. No sun in the morning would wake me, if I needed my sleep. I may have managed to sleep through an occasional mid-night sex. I have my priorities! Sleep was important to me. I needed it to function properly during my waking hours. Some people need 6-7 hours, some need 8-9. I need 9-12.

It all started when I was 6 months pregnant - I could no longer sleep through the night without waking up several times. There was a short break during my child's 4th and 5th years, but I never fully recovered the hours lost. I thought: the night would come when I'd sleep uninterrupted and not wake up in the morning at an ungodly hour to feed or wash or whatever other reasons there are that I didn't used to have when I was unappreciatively young. As such a possibility became almost visible - boom! I've entered my Peri-menopause. Here is how your hormones screw you out of your well-deserved sleep:
No One Knows!!!

There are plenty of theories about how your hormones affect your brain, trick it into sleeping and then an abrupt waking, changing your body temperature, changing levels of cortisol, melatonin and GH (growth hormone). After reviewing several scientific articles and a multitude of useless web pages, I have found only one thing that most scientists agree upon - the ever changing balance between estrogen, progesterone and testosterone is largely to blame for the changing sleep pattern.

So now that my ovaries are on a permanent strike as of January 2009, I am out of balance! Guess what it did to my sleep pattern. I practically never reach that Slow Brain Wave stage. I dearly miss it...

A study at the University of Chicago in 1999 describes 11 young (!!!) adults who went through 3 days of an 8-hour sleep, 6 days of a 4-hour sleep and 7 days of a 12-hour sleep. During the sleep deprivation period the subjects' glucose tolerance decreased by 30%, consistent with a stage-2 diabetes. They also observed increased levels of cortisol in the evening hours, which are typical of much older people and are thought to be related to age-related health problems such as insulin resistance and memory impairment.

My memory has left the building during my pregnancy without the forwarding address. I waited for it at the door for many years... I am sincerely glad I can recognize my child when I meet her after school.

Rock-a-bye my brain, in the tree top
When the hormones blow, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come my brain, cradle and all...