Teeter-totter, pull-push

Have I mentioned that I hate getting old? There are several reasons:

a. Vanity - as I painfully observe myself in the mirror, I begin to reconsider my no-plastic-surgery-age-gracefully policy;
b. Pain - I am a Perpetuum Mobile of aches, numbness, needle pricks, burning, stinging, stiffness and I am sure I am forgetting something else.
c. Menopause - the hourly reminder of my overstaying my welcome in the womanhood is annoying! It's either a brain-freeze, or a hot flash or a mood swing (ooh, I've re-defined those!)

Up until 2 years ago I planned to age gracefully. I was looking at the pictures of Audrey Hepburn imagining myself entering the world of wisdom where negative emotions cease to exist due to their futility. I would come to accept the superficial changes because they would be replaced with my inner peace.

I have no idea where that bullshit idea came from but I was looking forward to it. At a MUCH later day, than my 43rd year, by the way. Say, 55ish. Just for an onset. Plenty of warning, of course, like my mind, for instance, would suddenly be full of information I'd been feeding it through all my earlier (pre-55ish) years AND I'd be able to use this information productively, to create harmony around me. OK, I didn't work out all the details, but I thought I had time!

So here I am, aging with each ache, finding new and improved reasons to despise my current hormonal state. With each new symptom I rush to the computer anxiously searching for an answer. The answer calmly smiles at me from each site I visit - Menopause.

Here are some titter-totters I've come across recently:

The latest study on my kind of people has concluded that hot flashes striking early in menopause lower risks of a heard attack. Unless you cannot take it anymore and jump from the window.

When you get tired of the night sweats, your body may take a break and break into cold chills.

In spite of lack of energy, you are supposed to exercise harder during this tender period of growth into the wisdomhood. So if you're woken up by your night sweat or a cold chill, take full advantage of your sleeplessness, get bravely out of bed and practice the Warrior Three position.

Thyroid-Shmyroid, but I am gaining weight. I wish I could say that there is more of me to love. But since I am not liking myself much these days, there is more of me to dislike.

Anxiety attacks can be relieved by sex. One site was particularly insistent and suggested frequent masturbation. My last anxiety attack was on the top of a mountain during a long hike with a bunch of friends, including some kids. Not sure how trying to hump someone (or myself) right there would have enhanced everyone else's experience.

While the hair on my head is definitely thinning and doesn't grow much, there is also less of it on my body. So I can avoid one more pain - waxing.