Like most things that can get us in trouble, personal smells fall into the do-not-even-bring-it-up-or-else category. It's a very closeted question. It's rarely discussed, except maybe with your GYN - oh those guys have heard it all (I change mine often enough, so as to not face a stinking situation).
Yet, smell is one of the most important senses we possess. Animals exude inviting odor for mating, or mark their territory with foul smells. Many plants invite pollinating creatures using their scent - nature is full of examples of how to use the smell to attract or scare.
We have been using nature and chemistry for centuries to enhance our personal scent - the perfumes market is calculated in trillions worldwide. It is crucial in a relationship to smell attractive to your partner AND your children. I am not very lucky at that - the closest I got to finding an 'attractive' scent throughout my years of dating is neutral. My olfactory nerves are highly choosy.
For the longest time I thought it impossible to smell oneself, as our sensory nerves are too accustomed to our own chemistry. Of course, I exclude extreme situation, such as rigorous exercise, or menstruation, or discharge due to some unfortunate visit from foreign bacteria. Personally, I cannot stick my nose into my neck and take a deep breath, like I do with my child. So until recently, I was blissfully unaware of my scent. I guess we change our smell throughout our lives several times - obviously, since we don't smell like babies anymore (would make a great perfume!). But at some point we settle into it
Imagine my surprise when one sunny day I entered my car and smelled the New Me. I knew it was me, because no one else drives my car. I also knew it was me, because soon after I smelled my clothes and BOOM - the new me again. My life is now completely ruled by my hormones, and the chemicals secreted by me via my pores have changed. It's not foul to me (great, right?) but it's not particularly appealing either. I am sure that at some point in time I'll get used to it, stop noticing it, might even learn to like it before it forever gets engraved in my nerves. In the meantime, when I get a whiff of it now and then, I look around with suspicion to see if someone is hiding in my closet or in the back seat of the car. A murderer!
It also gets on my nerves. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the changes that I desperately want to crawl out of the new me with all its pains, and sweats, and scents. This whole transition is simply frightening, as change should come one by one. How is it possible that your body gangs up on you. Or is it my hormones that gang up on my body - that's more fitting... But I have no choice but to run with it, sweat with it, have brain freeze with it
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Finish line!
It has now been 2 years since my last period - oh boy. So I thought I'd look back at my arduous journey and smile and congratulate myself on my survival. Kisses on both cheeks.
Looking back, I must share a few thoughts:
Menopause is a step-child of any other hormonal change and physicians don't take it seriously and they seriously underestimate its powers - so you are on your own here. So much of my pains, acids, dizziness, moodiness were treated the conventional way - what a waste of time. I've adjusted...
Don't try to explain how you feel to a man and don't get frustrated over it. He wasn't pregnant either. Just so sad that he had more compassion then...
It's a loooong and very unpleasant trip and every month, sometimes week, brings a new sensation and a new reason to hate life. Be patient. This too shall pass...
If you are as lucky as I am, you will continue having your hot flashes far beyond you last period. It has been two years in my case and I still get them regularly, soaking clothes and all.
Once in a while I come across another product offered on the internet to ease my pain. I laugh my ass off at how some shrewd business people can take advantage of our desperation. Capitalism at its best. :)
The numbness in my fingers is now in the tips only. I am used to it...
Sometimes I have good days and can run at a decent pace, but my good pace has run away from me. I've accepted it...
I can no longer cry on a whim. All my life it was so easy and so easing. So I keep it inside and maybe this ability will come back. It is what it is...
I find that my passions are much more fleeing nowadays; I don't get very excited about anything and if I do, it's for a quick fleeing moment and then it's gone. Just like my periods. I miss my passions...
I've lost my sexuality. I still have sex, I still have the drive and still have the energy for it. But I no longer exude it, it's no longer in my smile, in a twinkle of my eyes, in my laughter. A big part of my femininity which I loved about me so much is gone with my sensuality. I am still on edge about accepting it...
Looking back what would I have done different? I would have accepted the fact of this change and mentally prepared myself for the trip, just as I accepted my growing belly when I was pregnant and the sickness that came with it.
I would have kept loving me...
Looking back, I must share a few thoughts:
Menopause is a step-child of any other hormonal change and physicians don't take it seriously and they seriously underestimate its powers - so you are on your own here. So much of my pains, acids, dizziness, moodiness were treated the conventional way - what a waste of time. I've adjusted...
Don't try to explain how you feel to a man and don't get frustrated over it. He wasn't pregnant either. Just so sad that he had more compassion then...
It's a loooong and very unpleasant trip and every month, sometimes week, brings a new sensation and a new reason to hate life. Be patient. This too shall pass...
If you are as lucky as I am, you will continue having your hot flashes far beyond you last period. It has been two years in my case and I still get them regularly, soaking clothes and all.
Once in a while I come across another product offered on the internet to ease my pain. I laugh my ass off at how some shrewd business people can take advantage of our desperation. Capitalism at its best. :)
The numbness in my fingers is now in the tips only. I am used to it...
Sometimes I have good days and can run at a decent pace, but my good pace has run away from me. I've accepted it...
I can no longer cry on a whim. All my life it was so easy and so easing. So I keep it inside and maybe this ability will come back. It is what it is...
I find that my passions are much more fleeing nowadays; I don't get very excited about anything and if I do, it's for a quick fleeing moment and then it's gone. Just like my periods. I miss my passions...
I've lost my sexuality. I still have sex, I still have the drive and still have the energy for it. But I no longer exude it, it's no longer in my smile, in a twinkle of my eyes, in my laughter. A big part of my femininity which I loved about me so much is gone with my sensuality. I am still on edge about accepting it...
Looking back what would I have done different? I would have accepted the fact of this change and mentally prepared myself for the trip, just as I accepted my growing belly when I was pregnant and the sickness that came with it.
I would have kept loving me...
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Everest
Do you ever feel like you've gone so high in every possible emotion you could feel in one moment that Mt. Everest looks like a hill in Oklahoma? Your senses are so elevated that you are having a vertigo? If you have - welcome to my club. We can be partners in this climb - let's have coffee and discuss the route.
If you haven't, imagine this happening in the middle of the night: you are rudely awaken from a dream of peace and you have this uncomfortable feeling of all your nerves being on the OUTSIDE of your skin. It only lasts a few seconds. Good news. Bad news - I've not found a way to deal with this sharp sensation. It hurts...
I've had a pathetic version of a period last September. I literally sat there on my toilet seat and laughed at what my ovaries managed to produce. 'Really?' I asked them, realizing that I was clearly in need of therapy if I was talking to my ovaries. Ok, this is definitely the end, I thought. My ovaries are dead. Right?
Wrong!
Come December and I am back in business! My period after 2.5 years is nasty and brutal. Worst of all - it hurt like hell (back to pain killers!), like I was a teenager again (without the perkiness of various parts of my body). Once again, I sat on my toilet seat and tried to reason with the Ovary Gods - what do you want from me? I am already having no sleep, mood swings, pains in places I never knew I had, hot flashes, cold flashes - what else do you want from me?
They answered: you can have your discharge back. Plenty of it, too.
Just to make it clear - when my period started ceasing, my regular discharges diminished to the point where I actually started enjoying going commando (no panties). For the first time, since I was 11!
Well, too good to last. It's back again. With the vengeance. No more sissiness, no more little mess - it's a flood. It requires changing your liners and wearing one in bed at night...
But I am not losing hope. It's a rough time, and I am probably barely at my second base on my way to the top. But the goal is still the same - the very peak of Mt. Everest and I have no choice but to get there.
Looking forward to the view!
If you haven't, imagine this happening in the middle of the night: you are rudely awaken from a dream of peace and you have this uncomfortable feeling of all your nerves being on the OUTSIDE of your skin. It only lasts a few seconds. Good news. Bad news - I've not found a way to deal with this sharp sensation. It hurts...
I've had a pathetic version of a period last September. I literally sat there on my toilet seat and laughed at what my ovaries managed to produce. 'Really?' I asked them, realizing that I was clearly in need of therapy if I was talking to my ovaries. Ok, this is definitely the end, I thought. My ovaries are dead. Right?
Wrong!
Come December and I am back in business! My period after 2.5 years is nasty and brutal. Worst of all - it hurt like hell (back to pain killers!), like I was a teenager again (without the perkiness of various parts of my body). Once again, I sat on my toilet seat and tried to reason with the Ovary Gods - what do you want from me? I am already having no sleep, mood swings, pains in places I never knew I had, hot flashes, cold flashes - what else do you want from me?
They answered: you can have your discharge back. Plenty of it, too.
Just to make it clear - when my period started ceasing, my regular discharges diminished to the point where I actually started enjoying going commando (no panties). For the first time, since I was 11!
Well, too good to last. It's back again. With the vengeance. No more sissiness, no more little mess - it's a flood. It requires changing your liners and wearing one in bed at night...
But I am not losing hope. It's a rough time, and I am probably barely at my second base on my way to the top. But the goal is still the same - the very peak of Mt. Everest and I have no choice but to get there.
Looking forward to the view!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Which one is it, Baby, an egg or a chicken?
A new (December'10) study on young women with Premature Ovarian Insufficiency declares that women with greater tendencies for depression are more likely to suffer from POI. POI is basically a very early menopause, where ovaries simply refuse to function.
A study of Peri-menopausal women statistically proves that in the 10 years of peri-menopause, women get more and more depressed, which is closely related to the ever increasing hormonal imbalance.
There are no studies that I could dig out that link the two findings, so I wonder which one is first - depression or menopause? If I acquire a sunny outlook on life, take things easy, banish my tendency to control every aspect of my (and all my friends') life, buy a VW Bug and paint it in all colors of rainbow - would I somehow jump over this 'Enhanced' period of my life with all its side effects?
There is this jittery feel in my entire body that happens several seconds before my hot flashes. As soon as it strikes, I know it's coming, but now I am not sure which I mind more: the pins and needles or the fire and sweat.
Here is the list of things that one should consider to diminish the symptoms of menopause (as mentioned before all websites copy these from each other):
1. Stay cool. Keep your bedroom cool at night. Use fans during the day. Wear light layers of clothes with natural fibers such as cotton.
I sleep naked - environmentally sensitive, since I have less PJ's to wash.
2. Try deep, slow abdominal breathing (six to eight breaths per minute). Practice deep breathing for 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening and at the onset of hot flashes.
Last time I tried it I got a hot flash right in between my breath 6 and 7.
3. Exercise daily. Walking, swimming, dancing, and bicycling are all good choices.
If you know anything about me - this is the funniest advice ever!
4. Chill pillows; cooler pillows to lay head on at night might be helpful.
I had a hot flash on a ship in the middle of the day in SF Bay when the wind was blowing at 15m/h and the temps were in low 50s. No hat, no gloves, tiny sweater, shivering of cold. A cold pillow somehow feels insufficient...
All of this makes me even more depressed and now I wonder if this increased depression could potentially expedite my meno-process and I'd be over with it this much faster... Wild idea, I know, but I am desperate!
A study of Peri-menopausal women statistically proves that in the 10 years of peri-menopause, women get more and more depressed, which is closely related to the ever increasing hormonal imbalance.
There are no studies that I could dig out that link the two findings, so I wonder which one is first - depression or menopause? If I acquire a sunny outlook on life, take things easy, banish my tendency to control every aspect of my (and all my friends') life, buy a VW Bug and paint it in all colors of rainbow - would I somehow jump over this 'Enhanced' period of my life with all its side effects?
There is this jittery feel in my entire body that happens several seconds before my hot flashes. As soon as it strikes, I know it's coming, but now I am not sure which I mind more: the pins and needles or the fire and sweat.
Here is the list of things that one should consider to diminish the symptoms of menopause (as mentioned before all websites copy these from each other):
1. Stay cool. Keep your bedroom cool at night. Use fans during the day. Wear light layers of clothes with natural fibers such as cotton.
I sleep naked - environmentally sensitive, since I have less PJ's to wash.
2. Try deep, slow abdominal breathing (six to eight breaths per minute). Practice deep breathing for 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening and at the onset of hot flashes.
Last time I tried it I got a hot flash right in between my breath 6 and 7.
3. Exercise daily. Walking, swimming, dancing, and bicycling are all good choices.
If you know anything about me - this is the funniest advice ever!
4. Chill pillows; cooler pillows to lay head on at night might be helpful.
I had a hot flash on a ship in the middle of the day in SF Bay when the wind was blowing at 15m/h and the temps were in low 50s. No hat, no gloves, tiny sweater, shivering of cold. A cold pillow somehow feels insufficient...
All of this makes me even more depressed and now I wonder if this increased depression could potentially expedite my meno-process and I'd be over with it this much faster... Wild idea, I know, but I am desperate!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Green Eggs and Ham - The Menopause Edit
A verse came to mind the other night, as I was laying in my bed awaken yet again by 'The New Age'. The verse kept unfolding into something painfully familiar, but since my brain is fried with sleepless nights, it took me a while to remember where I'd heard it before. So here is my version of the popular poem, without its happy ending, I am afraid...
Do you like
Hot Flash and Sweats?
I do not like
Hot Flash and Sweats.
Would you like them
Here or there?
I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
Would you like them
in your bed?
Would you like them
make you red?
I do not like them
in my bed.
I do not like them
make me red.
I do not like them
here or there.
I do not like them
anywhere.
I do not like Hot Flash and Sweats.
I do not like this Meno-duet!
Would you like them
on a date?
Would you like them
with a friend?
Not on a date.
Not with a friend.
Not in the bed.
Don’t make me red.
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like Hot Flash and Sweats.
I do not like this Meno-duet!
Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Get them! Get them!
Here they are.
I would not,
could not,
in a car!
You may like them.
You will see.
You may like them
When you pee.
I would not, could not when I pee.
Not in a car! You let me be.
Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?
I hate them, hate them
in the dark.
Would you, could you,
in the rain?
I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not in a car, Not while I pee.
I really hate them, don’t you see?
Not in my bed. Not getting red.
Not on a date. Not with a friend.
I will not have them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere!
You do not like
Hot Flash and Sweats?
I really hate this Meno-duet.
And while a full night sleep is still just a hope, I am finding a new calling - poetry!
Do you like
Hot Flash and Sweats?
I do not like
Hot Flash and Sweats.
Would you like them
Here or there?
I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
Would you like them
in your bed?
Would you like them
make you red?
I do not like them
in my bed.
I do not like them
make me red.
I do not like them
here or there.
I do not like them
anywhere.
I do not like Hot Flash and Sweats.
I do not like this Meno-duet!
Would you like them
on a date?
Would you like them
with a friend?
Not on a date.
Not with a friend.
Not in the bed.
Don’t make me red.
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like Hot Flash and Sweats.
I do not like this Meno-duet!
Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Get them! Get them!
Here they are.
I would not,
could not,
in a car!
You may like them.
You will see.
You may like them
When you pee.
I would not, could not when I pee.
Not in a car! You let me be.
Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?
I hate them, hate them
in the dark.
Would you, could you,
in the rain?
I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not in a car, Not while I pee.
I really hate them, don’t you see?
Not in my bed. Not getting red.
Not on a date. Not with a friend.
I will not have them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere!
You do not like
Hot Flash and Sweats?
I really hate this Meno-duet.
And while a full night sleep is still just a hope, I am finding a new calling - poetry!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Perimenopause, Interrupted
As fate and my body would have it, March was a strange month: I've had all of three days of something that resembled a proof of womanhood (chafing included), four full weeks of sleep, no hot flashes! I was so excited, I forgot to continue writing my blog. Maybe, I was afraid I'd spook my luck!
My stomach pains disappeared overnight and so did my muscle pains. It was a miracle! I searched in my rejuvenated mind for clues, I tried remember precisely the types of Gods I was praying to the month before (couldn't nail one, I am afraid), the supernatural ingredients in my diet (the only thing I'd added was seaweed) - anything that made this wonder happen. I found articles that claim that the miserable path to menopause can last as little as one year. I daydreamed that it would be me.
I waited. And waited. And I called it upon myself. For sure.
It came back, as swift, as taxes. And some!
I managed to discover one more symptom - the chills. Not the cold sweats that cover your body after the hot flash. These come and go as unannounced and as random. It's like jumping stark naked into ice water where not a cell in your body seems to be higher than 50F. As my hypothalamus tried to send extra signals to re-establish the temperature balance, my hormones (which I imagine as tiny mean gnomes dressed in green running up and down my blood vessels) work up another turmoil and throw my lovely me into a hot flash. Talk about a buzz kill.
My car really appreciates it when I run the heater on high followed by A/C on very high.
Well, the bright side is I had a break. AND I know that my car battery is working well.
My stomach pains disappeared overnight and so did my muscle pains. It was a miracle! I searched in my rejuvenated mind for clues, I tried remember precisely the types of Gods I was praying to the month before (couldn't nail one, I am afraid), the supernatural ingredients in my diet (the only thing I'd added was seaweed) - anything that made this wonder happen. I found articles that claim that the miserable path to menopause can last as little as one year. I daydreamed that it would be me.
I waited. And waited. And I called it upon myself. For sure.
It came back, as swift, as taxes. And some!
I managed to discover one more symptom - the chills. Not the cold sweats that cover your body after the hot flash. These come and go as unannounced and as random. It's like jumping stark naked into ice water where not a cell in your body seems to be higher than 50F. As my hypothalamus tried to send extra signals to re-establish the temperature balance, my hormones (which I imagine as tiny mean gnomes dressed in green running up and down my blood vessels) work up another turmoil and throw my lovely me into a hot flash. Talk about a buzz kill.
My car really appreciates it when I run the heater on high followed by A/C on very high.
Well, the bright side is I had a break. AND I know that my car battery is working well.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Teeter-totter, pull-push
Have I mentioned that I hate getting old? There are several reasons:
a. Vanity - as I painfully observe myself in the mirror, I begin to reconsider my no-plastic-surgery-age-gracefully policy;
b. Pain - I am a Perpetuum Mobile of aches, numbness, needle pricks, burning, stinging, stiffness and I am sure I am forgetting something else.
c. Menopause - the hourly reminder of my overstaying my welcome in the womanhood is annoying! It's either a brain-freeze, or a hot flash or a mood swing (ooh, I've re-defined those!)
Up until 2 years ago I planned to age gracefully. I was looking at the pictures of Audrey Hepburn imagining myself entering the world of wisdom where negative emotions cease to exist due to their futility. I would come to accept the superficial changes because they would be replaced with my inner peace.
I have no idea where that bullshit idea came from but I was looking forward to it. At a MUCH later day, than my 43rd year, by the way. Say, 55ish. Just for an onset. Plenty of warning, of course, like my mind, for instance, would suddenly be full of information I'd been feeding it through all my earlier (pre-55ish) years AND I'd be able to use this information productively, to create harmony around me. OK, I didn't work out all the details, but I thought I had time!
So here I am, aging with each ache, finding new and improved reasons to despise my current hormonal state. With each new symptom I rush to the computer anxiously searching for an answer. The answer calmly smiles at me from each site I visit - Menopause.
Here are some titter-totters I've come across recently:
The latest study on my kind of people has concluded that hot flashes striking early in menopause lower risks of a heard attack. Unless you cannot take it anymore and jump from the window.
When you get tired of the night sweats, your body may take a break and break into cold chills.
In spite of lack of energy, you are supposed to exercise harder during this tender period of growth into the wisdomhood. So if you're woken up by your night sweat or a cold chill, take full advantage of your sleeplessness, get bravely out of bed and practice the Warrior Three position.
Thyroid-Shmyroid, but I am gaining weight. I wish I could say that there is more of me to love. But since I am not liking myself much these days, there is more of me to dislike.
Anxiety attacks can be relieved by sex. One site was particularly insistent and suggested frequent masturbation. My last anxiety attack was on the top of a mountain during a long hike with a bunch of friends, including some kids. Not sure how trying to hump someone (or myself) right there would have enhanced everyone else's experience.
While the hair on my head is definitely thinning and doesn't grow much, there is also less of it on my body. So I can avoid one more pain - waxing.
a. Vanity - as I painfully observe myself in the mirror, I begin to reconsider my no-plastic-surgery-age-gracefully policy;
b. Pain - I am a Perpetuum Mobile of aches, numbness, needle pricks, burning, stinging, stiffness and I am sure I am forgetting something else.
c. Menopause - the hourly reminder of my overstaying my welcome in the womanhood is annoying! It's either a brain-freeze, or a hot flash or a mood swing (ooh, I've re-defined those!)
Up until 2 years ago I planned to age gracefully. I was looking at the pictures of Audrey Hepburn imagining myself entering the world of wisdom where negative emotions cease to exist due to their futility. I would come to accept the superficial changes because they would be replaced with my inner peace.
I have no idea where that bullshit idea came from but I was looking forward to it. At a MUCH later day, than my 43rd year, by the way. Say, 55ish. Just for an onset. Plenty of warning, of course, like my mind, for instance, would suddenly be full of information I'd been feeding it through all my earlier (pre-55ish) years AND I'd be able to use this information productively, to create harmony around me. OK, I didn't work out all the details, but I thought I had time!
So here I am, aging with each ache, finding new and improved reasons to despise my current hormonal state. With each new symptom I rush to the computer anxiously searching for an answer. The answer calmly smiles at me from each site I visit - Menopause.
Here are some titter-totters I've come across recently:
The latest study on my kind of people has concluded that hot flashes striking early in menopause lower risks of a heard attack. Unless you cannot take it anymore and jump from the window.
When you get tired of the night sweats, your body may take a break and break into cold chills.
In spite of lack of energy, you are supposed to exercise harder during this tender period of growth into the wisdomhood. So if you're woken up by your night sweat or a cold chill, take full advantage of your sleeplessness, get bravely out of bed and practice the Warrior Three position.
Thyroid-Shmyroid, but I am gaining weight. I wish I could say that there is more of me to love. But since I am not liking myself much these days, there is more of me to dislike.
Anxiety attacks can be relieved by sex. One site was particularly insistent and suggested frequent masturbation. My last anxiety attack was on the top of a mountain during a long hike with a bunch of friends, including some kids. Not sure how trying to hump someone (or myself) right there would have enhanced everyone else's experience.
While the hair on my head is definitely thinning and doesn't grow much, there is also less of it on my body. So I can avoid one more pain - waxing.
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